“Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.” Philippians 2:4 NLT
In the first year of my marriage, I got a new role that at the time, made sense to take up. Although it was a startup, the prospects looked good and I decided to dive in.
In my life, I had just started a new season as a husband. While that transition was going on, I also started a new season leading a company. Two transitions at the same time.
There’s really nothing wrong with going through multiple transitions at a time. But the issues start springing up when you don’t create a strategy for them.
For me, the first issue was that I was addicted to work and everything else came after, including time with my new family, which just included my wife. This was not an intentional decision, but subconscious programming.
So what happened?
1. Her desires weren’t as important as what I wanted to achieve at work. Because the company had a culture of urgency and encouraged workaholism, it fed my desires without knowing.
2. The intimacy meter started closing in on zero. It didn’t die, but even a 2-year-old would see that the fire from the honeymoon had almost gone out. Sex wasn’t regular and for someone whose libido was visibly higher than mine, my wife locked up.
3. In courtship, whenever we had an argument, it was for something deep and important. But in this early marriage phase, anything was a reason to argue, especially on Saturdays. It’s like the pressure of the week had built up that by Saturday, a simple act of leaving the pot uncovered was a big deal.
On Sunday, I’d go to church feeling angry but would still perform like everything was okay. After church, we’d settle our differences, but like clockwork, the next Saturday was around the corner waiting for us. This was the norm in the first three months. My wife was the first to notice the anomaly and we had to break it in prayer. But the main issue still lingered.
It took us one year to fix this and an extra year to get intimacy back to its right position. How?
1. I had to learn that it was no longer about just me. The bachelor mindset is different from that of a husband, and I gradually made the switch.
2. 18 months into my marriage, I had to leave the company. This was also partly because the birth of our daughter caused a paradigm shift in my head that made me accelerate my decisions.
3. I became the driver. I knew the effect that my work habits had on my marriage, and I needed to get things back. So, I would be the one to initiate sex on most days and be more intentional about creating time for other activities.
4. I created a schedule. Because I work from home, it can be difficult shutting down. But having start and end times for work did wonders. Suddenly there were so many hours to spend as a family. I even started watching an Indian series on Zeeworld by 8pm daily…can you imagine? Hahaha!
With everything restored, it will take more discipline, especially on my part to ensure that things keep improving.
It’s possible to have times of radical imbalance where you just have to put in extra time at work because of an ongoing project. But when that becomes regular, it’s going to be a problem.
Has too much work affected your love life before? How did that work out for you?
Today’s Task: Outside work, identify one habit you need to be more intentional about and take note of one small action you can do daily to stay disciplined.
Answer This…
“The next scary (but also exciting) step for my growth is to…”
It’s a wonder how scary and exciting can fit into one sentence. But they are ingredients for curiosity and a life full of spark. Answer this in your journal and feel free to expand on why it’s scary and exciting.
Source: I get these growth prompts from my digital journal – GrowthDay.
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